Climb into my head [entries|friends|calendar] Jake Wilson [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[10.19.06 - 1.19pm ] I have no outlet at all now, except for some pathetic words typed in an online journal. You can have what you want, the cries from another little internet attention whore. Brand me what you want. I guess if it helps you sleep at night, and I can get my feelings out, we all win, right? I honestly could give a fuck less. I am starting to believe more and more that "friends" are just an illusion that the mind makes up when its lonely. Its hard to find people who really care, it would be nice for someone who thinks they are givin me advice to back it up with examples, not just "because I know so, or say so" Im no more a mind reader than the next guy. Christ, the money i could make if I were. So I vent, words that no one cares to read, nor should they, for nameless readers are the only ones left that I have to rent my pathetic ramblings too.

You can make it up next time. [10.19.06 - 11.34am ] I think perhaps I have pretty much bled all my venting sources dry. And I cant really blame them, no one wants to go down with the captain, which is why he is the last to get out, and rarely makes it out alive. He goes down with the ship. Im just stuck. I hate my current work situation. I hate feeling as though my IQ drops when I walk in the door, I hate the feeling that the only work i am suited for is that reserved for those with out higher functioning brains, or jobs that a trained monkey could do. I want a challenge, with security. I have a job, as shitty as it is, and as unsteady as it, its still money in that aspect, with my luck getting hired, I cant just quit, and hope to get something else. I have to have a job, to pay my bills, i cant be unemployed. People tell me I need to take risks, but its easy to say that when your making over 400 a month. I want to feel, im sick of feeling numb, and cold. I want to feel a warm breeze, sunshine, anything that is so simple. I look back at it, and I used to approach life with a smile, with the wonder and amazement of innocence, I was someone who could find beauty in the simplest of things. I miss that. I never thought that it would be possible to miss oneself, but I am there. I miss myself, so much. I hate the dark, moody, and yeah, depressed person that I have become. I have thought about seeing if they have drugs I can take for this, as much as I would hate to have to be dependant on medication to regulate my moods, I really am at my wits end. I dont know what else to do anymore.

Oh wow, forgot about this [9.30.06 - 5.03pm ] So i pretty much spaced out, and even forgot that I have a live journal. Or it could just be due to the fact that I dont have much of an exciting life, and most of what I put in here is almost as boring as most of the every day happenings of my life. Hmmm...weekend time, and I am bored to death with nothing to do, sucks, totally. Anyhow, I am off to try to entertain myself. Later.

Relationships [8.25.06 - 11.16am ] Yes, those tricky little things. You have them with everyone, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, and your significant other. I think that I have been working very hard on all of them, and have them all pretty well rounded, well minus the co-workers, but I could honestly care less about that. But it seems that sometimes I have a hard time balancing out all of the relationships I have with people, atleast enough to keep everybody happy. Maybe I am just too much of a damn people pleaser.

What shall I call this? [8.11.06 - 2.10pm ] Ok, so here it is, i have been up for only about 3 hours, and have found myself bored beyond words, no one is online, yet again, and no one wants to talk to me, because I am a whiny pathetic, boring sack of shit. My brother only come home to shower, then are off with friends again, my gf is gone, off to a show, and to do things for her site, that is no doubt much more attractive then I could have ever done. Heh, I used to work on that from time to time when I was in periods of boredom, but alas no more. I am thinking of going to my dads company picnic to help set up and what not, since he asked me to a few days ago, and I told him I didnt know. But I really need to get out of this house, before I lose what ever piece of my mind that I have left. I am tired of looking at the surroundings of my house, spending each morning and afternoon sitting alone, my only company comming from the speakers. I need some sort of human contact. Grr...im out.

Just a boring ol' thursday [8.10.06 - 3.06pm ] Well not much to do when youve got a sprained ankle, and a messed up knee. Ah the joys. It would seem that most of the people on my buddy list are online, but yet, no one has anything to say, or doesnt seem to want to talk. It was sad that the high light of my day was buying an ace wrap and a knee brace. Woo Hoo!

Untitled [7.30.06 - 7.00pm ] Well right now, I am starting to question the reason why I am even in this beautiful place, I feel that I am here, making an ugly mess of an amazing world around me. I feel that all that is bright an breathtaking, becomes a dull grey, dirty dismal mess as soon as I touch it. I feel that I fail or fall far short of all expectations in life, people tell me that I should believe them, when I say that I dont. But its hard too. I do all the wrong things. Im too pushy, I talk to other girls, I drink, I smoke cigars now and then, I have a shitty job, no web building skills, no work place skills, poor social skills, no car. What the hell am I doing here!? I really couldnt tell you, I keep waiting and waiting for the answer, but it has yet to come to me. As I think that perhaps I am nearing the answer, it slips away, and I am left puzzled. I love my girlfriend, I loved my friends, before most of them got tired of my ways and left, and here I am, venting to an online journal, because I have no other way to cope with the fucked up thoughts that often run through my head.

Rest the weight, you’ve had your chance and folded [7.25.06 - 1.21pm ] Fights, fights, and more fights. The current state of my relationship. I dont know how to right all of my wrongs, when I dont think that all that I do is wrong. I know that somethings could change, but I honestly dont believe that I am the horrible person that I am made out to be. It hurts that I feel that I will never be good enough for the one I love. And to think that she really probably doesnt believe the things I tell her about the way I feel in regards to her. Im just tired of all the fighting. I would love for it to stop, since our talking time is limited as of late, so I would love to just enjoy the time, instead of looking for ways to fight and see no end to it. I love you Justine.

As the curtain closes on another day [7.18.06 - 1.45pm ] well my five day vacation has come to its close, back to workin in a little over an hour, and not looking forward to it. I applied for a new job today, so we will see how that goes. Warped tour was pretty cool, got burnt in the almost 100 degree weather, chilled with Dave from the Plain White T's for about ten minutes, took a nap in the grass, watched about 5 different bands, it was an over all good time. I always hate leaving the Gorge, but it gives me something to look forward too the following year.

Random, But oh so true [7.10.06 - 11.10am ] I hate what people do to public bathrooms. If you cant flush your tampon down your home toilet, what makes you think its ok to do in a public bathroom. I do not enjoy having to put on rubber gloves and fish that out. Why would you think it would be ok to put news paper on the floor and pee on it, cuz i have a news flash....ITS NOT OK. Do not shit in the garbage can. If you cant quite make it to the bathroom, and poop a lil on the side of the toilet, for fucksake, just try to atleast make the effort to clean it up a little. And most important, flush the goddamn toilet.

Fuck It [6.24.06 - 8.26pm ] Today is a good day, well for most people that is. Since 11 am I have been home by myself, and have done nothing, its a fucking gorgeous day, and I have spent the whole fucking thing inside, because I have no reason to be outside, no one wants to make any plans with me, or even acknowledge the fact that I tried to get a hold of them. My parents went out boating with some family friends, and then came home, talking about how much fun they had, and how they are going out tomorrow again, and taking my brothers, and that I could have come with them, but I have to work, on a sunday, which i hardly ever have to, go fucking figure. Tomorrow is supposed to be the nicest day we have had in 9 months, and ill be stuck in a fucking grocery store trying to look busy for 5 hours, even though it will be pretty much dead the whole night. So then I get told that I am 21, my parents are not my entertainment commitee, and that I need to get a life. Nice encouraging words, really. Then Justine is working over nights for a week, and I havent been able to talk to her at all today, and I have a horrible painful sunburn, so I dont think my day could really get any shittier. But hell, maybe Ill get a surprise and it will. Ranting is doing anything for me, but making me in a shittier mood, so im out.

Dreams [6.21.06 - 3.18pm ] I guess if I had dreams, goals, and motivation I wouldnt be in such a shitty mood right now. People should always follow there dreams, and not let anyone stand in the way of them, or hold them back. I dont want to be a thorn in the side of anyone who is trying to live out the things that they have dreamed of long before me. To you, Dont let me hold you back. Live your life to the fullest, and you will find the happiness that you so diserve.

I Want Burns? [6.20.06 - 11.27am ] In my ever growing wisdom,I have learned a lesson. Veet is not for the male face. Fed up with shaving daily or every other day, I decided to try some Veet hair removal gel on my face, well, it removed half the stubble, and left burn marks on my face. Not such a good idea, but you live and you learn. Ill stick to the schick quatro and colgate from now on. Better to just stick to basics, rather than think that you are having a good idea, atleast for me, when it comes to stuff like that.

All to short [6.19.06 - 11.18am ] What the hell happend to this weekend? It was way to short. Though it was a pretty good weekend, I didnt get to spend as much time with Justine as I wanted to. But it wasnt a horrible weekend, so i suppose I am happy about that. Next weekend we are painting the house, and garage, and its supposed to be really nice weather, so ill be paint covered and sunburnt more than likely. Well thus ends this exciting update.

Water Logged [6.13.06 - 11.20am ] Summer is fast approaching, and god I cant wait for days of sunshine that seems to have no end. Turning the hose on myself just to cool off, then stretching out on the lawn for a little nap. A month til warped tour, and I am stoked, totally the highlight of my summer, and the camping that goes along with the show, it just is an all out fun time. On another note, I cant help but feel a little down, as a co-worker of mine, one of the most indepth, friendly, caring, and my personal favorite, lost her sister to cancer, I cant help but feel saddened by that, even though I have had other co-workers take a loss like that, I feel more moved by this one. Today, I shall walk to work in the rain, I hate the fact that lately it rains like a beast, then the sun comes out, then it rains more, making the temp outside feel like that of vietnam. Sticky, humid and extremely muggy. I am not a big fan of that. Any how, Im out.

TAG! [6.9.06 - 11.36am ] Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 random facts about yourself. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. 1. I am the only left handed person in my family 2. I was born with one testicle, doesnt effect anything, the plumming all works ;) 3. I have worked at a grocery store for 3 years 4. All of my exes hate me. 5. I have lost two good friends in auto accidents 6. I am a victim of molestation TAG!!! 1.Cath 2.Elena 3.Jann 4.Shea 5.Bree 6.Shello =)

Living in America [6.7.06 - 12.48pm ] Again, I have to rant about the appaulingness of society, well atleast some aspects of it. 1. Girls. I am happily taken, but I do take notice to people walking around, and I have to say, that I am sickened by alot of the ladies today. Let me break it down a little more for you. I: Hair: I am so tired of seeing every single girl with the same fucking hair cut, dyed in the same color scheme, and having the same chunky blonde high-lights that make you look like a skunk. Its not hot, its stupid looking. II: Clothes: There is no shame in wearing pants that fit you. When you squeeze your ass into a pair that are just a size smaller than usual, it gives you a roll that you wouldnt normally have, therefore the smaller pants make you look fatter. III: Oversized: Does your purse really need to be the size of a carry on bag that you would take on a flight? There can be no possible way that you can fill that thing up. And the sunglasses that you find to be uber cute and trendy, well most of you look like bugs while wearing them. 2. Double Standards: If a man is a little heavy, or even a fucking lardass in some cases he still gets his fair share of girls. Yet a girl who is a little heavy, has to work ten times harder to get a guy to notice her. It boggles me how people can be so shallow. There are alot of meatier girls out there who are alot better looking, and have much better personalities than half the other girls out there. Those are strive to have the body of Paris Hilton, most of you wont look good that thin, its an honest fact. You are born with body chemistry, which pre dertermines to some extent the way that your body will store fat, and just how thin you can get. Weight is an unhealthy obsession on both ends. 3. The Rest: Why are there sick fuckers who are loading squirt guns with semen and spraying little kids with them, while they snap a shot and run off. It seems that there are so many more sick fuckers these days, though now I am starting to think that perhaps it is just that the news brings to it the attention of the viewers more often. Its not so hush hush. I have no sympathy for molesters, the fucking scum of the earth, they might get off with weak prison terms here, but they well get what they have comming some day, in this life or the next. end rant.

TGIF [6.2.06 - 11.44am ] once again, I was greated this morning by rain. I also feel like crap, with a slight fever, itchy eyes, sore throat, and a head full of snot. Had I listened to Justine and not called in sick for no reason last sunday, I would be able to use that day today, but I am merely the typical man, and dont listen well. I am feeling slightly better, in a mental stand point, after completely baring my soul to Justine, there is nothing about myself that she doesnt know now. I just hope now she can go slow with me, and understand my ways a little better. I suppose I still have issues, but really, who doesnt? Well I am off to shower, then head to work. 3 day weekend, finally.

When I wake here, You'd still be gone [6.1.06 - 2.07pm ] Waking too rain, and with a sore throat often doesnt do much for ones mood. I am trying to fall into that statistic. Though the gloomy grey tone of the sky makes it hard to focus on the bright sunny side of life. I think I am slowly gaining back some of the right stuff with Justine, Though in my idocity I ruined most of what I had built up before my latest stunt. Who knew life was full of so many turns and twists. I know that I had never planned any thing in life to be hard, I had it all in my mind that it would be pretty east paced, and that I would run into very few icy patches. That was before I realized that I have a tendency to lose my mind a bit at time, I seriously still think that I have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain that doesnt allow me to fully function to my potential. I dont really want to be medicated, but if I would function better, then I would be all for it, too bad I have no insurance, and I would rather be a fucking head case than pay out of pocket for shit like that. No thanks.

Over My Head [5.24.06 - 11.55am ] I really honestly try to be a decent person, yet I feel like my attempts are all in vain. I am a 21 year old grown man, of leagal drinking age, and yet when I do drink, I am treated like a vile disgusting criminal. I know that my point of view goes misunderstood, but so does her, we are, on this subject, two polar opposites that remain equal. I have sacraficed, yet I feel that it goes unnoticed. And I dont want to have to be one to through it in her face that I have given up things, because I dont want her to feel like I regard her as a buzzkill. Its not like that, I have given up things that I know I could do with out, but yet I dont want to have to give up everything. I am my own man, and I dont mind being molded a bit, but I have to stay true to myself at the same time. Respect my choices, I havent done anything incredibly stupid, I will be home, not gone and out ALL night. I dont like fights like this, because it is something that I do, and you knew that. Its like everything is 100% great, until i choose to drink one night, then all my efforts are ruined, things shouldnt have to be this way. I love you Justine, more than anything, there isnt a thing about you that I would want you to give up, or change to please me. I am with you, because I think you are an amazing, beautiful woman, and you make me happier than I could have ever have hoped to be. I wish that I could give you the same feeling, that you do to me, all the time. I dont like being seen as a let down in your eyes, not in the least bit. I could be doing far worse things, but I know that is not the point, this is the thing that gets up caught up, but I havent put in all this time just to let you down. I like the feeling of the love that is there, I dont want that to be comprimised by something stupid. I know that we are on opposite sides of the fence on this, but look at all the other things that we have that are common, and I am writing this for the whole fucking world to see, let them know that i love you, its not a big secret. Any how, im out.

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